Sunday, January 30, 2011

Facing Fears

I wrote a post couple of weeks ago when I was having a tough day...thought I would share what I was dealing with...I wrote this about 2 weeks ago.

One of my worst fears came to pass over three weeks ago. One morning in December,  I felt a lump in my breast and it was big enough to be very noticeable. I had had a mammogram a couple of years ago but hadn't been diligent with it, so here I was crying and scared to death. Because it was a few days before Christmas and we were heading for Calgary to see my daughter, I didn't want to worry my family so I didn't say anything to anyone for 2 weeks.

It was the most terrifying two weeks of my life. As hard as I tried to distract myself and find moments of joy, the possibility of breast cancer was always at the forefront of my mind. After New Years, I finally shared it with Don  who listened with love and compassion and now we were both worried and concerned. During this time I tried to reach my doctor or the mammogram clinic but nobody was open between Christmas and New Years. I was finally able to get hold of my doctor’s office on a Tuesday and they fit me in the very next day. There my family doctor confirmed my fears and sent a request up to the hospital that afternoon. So Wednesday, was my "dark night of the soul". Because my doctor had verified my condition, it was definitely real and I couldn't push it away any longer. It was probably one of the most terrible days I've ever had, trying not to think about all the things I might have to go through, trying to keep faithful and not to bargain with God, and trying to have strength to face whatever I was asked to face. I had a family that needed me and loved me and I couldn’t give up hope! The hospital phoned me back that afternoon and said they had a cancellation the very next morning if I wanted it...I DID!!!

So I had to ask for courage to teach Seminary that morning (Don gave me a blessing the night before) and then I went straight up to hospital where in two hours they gave me a mammogram and an ultrasound. How grateful I was for Kathryn and Tasha who work at the RIH for their understanding and caring. They made a point of checking with the radiologist and telling me right there in the ultrasound room that it was only a cyst and not to be worried about it. It was all I could do to hold it together and not burst out crying. I was so grateful and humbled. My heart goes out to all those women whose nightmare starts, where my nightmare ended. I have a new appreciation for the fears they face and the courage they have to have. I was especially thankful for health care professionals who acted with quickness and compassion. I can't tell you the relief I feel today, for my body, for my family and for my life.

I share this because I would not choose the path with heartache, loss and fear. Unfortunately, life often chooses it for us. What we can do is choose to face fear with faith, hope and love.

2 comments: said...

Oh my goodness Kasandra. What an experience.
Sorry for all your heartache. And isn't that the truth about your nightmare ending, but for others the nightmare begins. Thanks for sharing this.

Maggie said...

Wow, I went through the same sort of thing shortly before Ron and I were married. It is unbelievable how scary that is! Thanks for sharing this with us, and I am so glad it worked out for you.


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